Vibe Check №40

Another hot Fall in Texas. No notable rain since June. Air-conditioning humming. Water bill up. Backyard is a dust bowl from the dogs tearing up all the grass.

My schedule is a constant loop of kid activities; school, cheer, baseball, guitar, birthday parties, randomized school holidays, etc. I call it “The Luge”. A family bobsled ride downhill with no meaningful breaks until Christmas. There’s been some real highlights like nights at the ballpark, singing through the K-Pop Demon Slayers album with a car full of girlie-pop tweenagers, and watching my son play his first rock show. But personally, there’s been an overwhelming cloud through it all.

I’ve been grumpy, like super grumpy

I’ve been in an incurably foul mood for the last month. I’m almost not sure this vibe-check is worth putting out into the world, but not all seasons in life are bangers. If you want to avoid the mire of my emotional dysfunction, feel free to bounce on this post.

I think what compounds this problem is that I feel this isn’t my natural state (despite what my resting scowl would suggest). Sure there’s bouts of depression and some generalized anxiety mixed in there, but it feels against my core.

Politics, ugchk

If you’re a person who can divorce the rise of authoritarianism from your day-to-day emotional well-being… wow. I’m not that person. Each day unveils a new horror of economic anxiety, children being zip-tied in raids, parents abducted in school drive lines, dark money funding open corruption, feckless judges, and meme-driven political discourse. This administration adds a lime green background of radioactive stress to my life.

Anyways, this whole situation is contributing to my bad mood.

Hypertense

I’m still untangling the Gordian Knot of stress, weight, and ADHD in my life. I switched my ADHD meds over the summer to “baby meth”. It’s super effective! But that change triggered some heightened concern from my doctors about my blood pressure.

Ten years ago, I got diagnosed with White Coat Syndrome; a condition where your body panics around anyone in a lab coat and your blood pressure skyrockets. Whether it’s doctors, dentists, optometrists –you name it– I can see their eyes pop out of their head when the little arm cuff says “This person will probably die in this chair.”

My doctor didn’t want to roll the dice on “probably not dying.” He prescribed hypertension medicine which is medicine you’re on for the rest of your life unless some radical life change event happens; extreme weight-loss, becoming vegan (?), a trust fund appears, etc.

Without oversharing here, the psychological aspect of this is the hardest. There’s a feeling of shame attached to it that I’ve fucked my body up by being a sedentary computer boy; like I’ve sacrificed my body for capitalism and now I get to use capitalism and the inefficient American healthcare system to buy the cure. Ugh. But it could also be genetic. Who knows.

The initial battery of tests didn’t come back as hoped. Also the medicine… It’s not very effective. A week later I was lying on a table having my kidneys scanned and arteries measured. Thankfully, it wasn’t renal hypertension (or damage/failure) but a small part of me wanted to be at the end of the medical mystery journey. Still don’t know the root cause yet, so I’ll try that radical life change approach.

Anyways, this whole situation is contributing to my bad mood.

Working out and hydrating

Pursuing radical change, I decided to set up that bike trainer I bought during the pandemic. The weather is nice enough now I can be in the garage without dying of heat stroke. As a result, I’ve managed to ride my bike nearly every day for the past month.

I’m abusing an old ADHD trick called “Task Pairing” to make it happen. It’s super effective! I pair something I need to do (workout) with something I want to do (watch YouTubes). I do this with washing dishes while I listen to audiobooks. Now instead of doomscrolling in my recliner… I’m doomscrolling on my bike, baby! What an improvement! Other than a sore coccyx, I could probably sit on the bike for hours. A nice unlock and a guilt-free way to enjoy brain rot.

But there’s the twist! After a month of riding my bike I’ve lost …. 0 pounds! I’m actually up two-to-five pounds from where I started. 😵‍💫 Someone suggested dehydration might be the problem so that day I bought one of those dumb water bottles that has timestamps on the side with encouraging affirmations that say “7:00am - Get to it”, “9:00am - Be your best”, “11:00am - You go, girl!” Hydration is great and all, but in practice it means frequent work and sleep interruptions for trips to the bathroom.

The key takeaway here is that Calories-In/Calories-Out is a fucking lie. Fuck that fat-phobic shit right into the sun. Even if it worked for you. Fuck it. Fuck it right off.

Anyways, this whole situation is contributing to my bad mood.

Artificially-induced psychosis?

We’re being “encouraged” (ahem) to use AI at work more and while I appreciate the opportunity to learn and explore, it’s chipping away at my mental health a bit. The prompt → wait → disappointment loop is dealing a form of psychic damage over time. Initial demos are a dopamine hit, but over time the context window dependably explodes. I’m not here to be a hater –if anything I’m genuinely curious about what these new fangled machines can do– but sometimes it feels like that episode of Star Trek where the Cardassians kidnapped Picard and put him in a room with four lights and told him to say there were five lights but Picard kept saying there were four lights… y’know like that. Mix in a couple projects growing in complexity and it adds up.

Anyways, this whole situation is contributing to my bad mood.

The root cause and the probable cure

I think the common thread of everything from “The Luge” to me threatening a genius computer with its life is the loss of autonomy in my schedule, my nation, my body, and my work. In Daniel Pink’s book Drive he describes the three pillars that drive people to perform at their best: autonomy, mastery, and purpose… those are all sorely lacking right now. That’s my best guess for why I’ve been in such a foul mood.

This past week I’ve hung out with friends in-person and online and that seems to have improved my mood considerably. Diner breakfast with seasonal pumpkin pancakes with my friend Zach. A small collaboration with the Frost Brothers on a big thing they’re working on. A birthday party for my friend Taylor featuring a bunch of old camping buddies admiring how our kids are all grown up now. Those connections are meaningful.

Anyways, I hope you’re doing better.

Lifeloggers hate this one weird trick…

Can you believe I’ve done forty of these vibe checks? Well here you go you number perverts.

💪 Health and Fitness

I’ve worked out everyday for the last month and lost zero pounds. That’s demoralizing. I am happy that I’ve found a form of exercise that works for my mind and body –at least for now. Task pairing my negative-impact YouTube habit with a positive-impact exercise habit feels like I’m creating a balance in the world in a local-cosmic sense.

My blood pressure is going down a bit too and it’s probably worth celebrating small wins… by getting a milkshake.

📖 Reading

Win Every Argument ★★★★ - Former MSNBC anchor Medhi Hasan shares some Oxford debate club knowledge on how to convincingly argue your point and back it up with receipts.
The Dawn of Everything ★★★★½ - A wonderful book that really reprogrammed a lot of inherent biases I had about “uncivilized” cultures. I never viewed Native Americans as “savages” like the history books and cowboy movies want you to believe, but… primitive? I’m almost embarassed to admit that this is what I thought anyways until I read this book and realized they were quite civilized and more advanced than us on many levels (civically and emotionally), operating on a different rule book entirely. It makes you wonder if society, without its kings, could function differently.
The AI Con ★★★★ - A good book. Obviously, two people very educated on the subject of AI. They’re very comfortable in their negative opinion of it. And bring receipts to back it up. It’s maybe worth another listen because I don’t quite have a fist full o’ takeaways from it.
Failure Is Not an Option ★★★★½ - Maybe the biggest biography I read this year but continuing my theme probing the Space Race.
Sapiens [In progress]
H.P. Lovecraft’s The Call of Cthulhu ★★★★ - I saw this book on the shelf at Kinokuniya and it called to me… it called to me saying… Cthulu Fhtagn. A manga adaptation of H.P. Lovecraft’s The Call of Cthulhu. This is my first time dipping my toe into Lovecraftian space horror and to be honest, the manga version was probably the best for me. I don’t think I would have followed or enjoyed the flashback sequences set in 1920’s rhetoric, but in manga form I was able to follow along and see the story weave together. I’m on the fence if I’ll buy more, but was was enjoyable enough that I might. The art is incredible and dark.
Separation of Church and Hate ★★★★ - A dig into how American Christianity is actually quite the opposite of what the Bible says. Not just some of the time, but lots of the time. If you find American Imperialist Christianity doesn’t fit your world view or your family is full of evangelical fundamentalists… this book is worth reading. One issue I had with the book –that I’ve had with books by other comedians– is when the author runs out of content, they resort to a series of one-liners to fill a chapter. It takes me out of the non-fiction.
Extra Focus ★★★★ - Short n’ sweet. Probably the best book I’ve read on Adult ADHD and how it impacts our time, memory, and emotional management. The major themes are all followed by a tactical “guide” chapter which has tips and tricks like creating launchpads, setting timers, or posting a sticky by the job that needs to be done. Basic advice but feels like a best-of-the-best distillation of all the brainhacks out there.
At Home [In progress]
Fight Oligarchy ★★★★½ - Bernie wraps up some his thoughts and thesis from the recent Fight Oligarchy tour. The billionaires have too much and own too much of our government. They are too organized too.
Slow Down [In progress]

📝 Blogging

📺 Media

Movies

Demon Slayer: Kimetsu no Yaiba Infinity Castle (2025) - An entire season of anime bottled into one 2.5 hour long movie. Lots of swords, blood, gore, internal monologues probing enemy weaknesses, internal monologues with gooey tears complimenting an adversary’s form and skill, flashbacks and character exposition… it’s what Demon Slayer does best.

Murderbot (AppleTV) - Finished Season 1. I didn’t like it. Almost all the diversions from the book were unnecessary, boring, and lacked chemistry. Curious if Season 2 will be better… but I’m not holding my breath.
The Rookie (Hulu) - Family has been into this so I’ve caught some episodes. It’s great but not for me.

🎙 Recording

⌨️ Open source

Not much, participating in specs behind the scenes a bit.

👾 Video games

Playing casual puzzle games everyday. Also started making some games but that’s TBD.