A lot of people on social media are talking about chips and as a professional who has a dual masters in both potato and corn chips, I thought I’d chime in with some facts about chips.

1. Off-brand chips are rarely worth it.

Exceptions exist (e.g. Trader Joe’s fake Takis), but usually you will be disappointed (e.g. every other bag of chips at Trader Joe’s). Stop wasting your money on off-brand chips.

2. Some brands look off-brand but are top tier

This seems to invalidate the prior rule, but there are brands (e.g. Zapp’s and Cape Cod) that from the outside appear like off-brand chips, but are top tier premium chips. If you’re going to play at the upper levels of the chip game, you need to learn the difference. Start by asking friends “Had any good chips lately?”

3. Pretzels are a crapshoot, avoid mass quantities

Pretzels and other bread-based chips (pita chips, bagel chips, etc) are a risky investment. Bread chips dry out and flake and crumb at different rates – it might be a day, it might be a decade – and it can take years to fully understand the seasonal affectations of pretzels in the context of your microbiome’s levels of humidity. Never buy pretzels in large packages, because if they go bad (and they will), you’re stuck with an impossible amount of stale bread to eat.

4. It’s considerate to cut off the excess bag on a half-eaten bag of chips.

After you house the first half of a bag of chips in a single sitting, one considerate thing you can do is to cut off the excess bag before putting the clip on. It’s a way to communicate to other members in your household “Hey if you were expecting a full bag of chips, you’re gonna be disappointed.” Added bonus: It’s easier to get the bottom-of-the-bag crumbs out without greasing your fingers later.

5. If you’re gonna add flavor to chips, it needs to be lots of flavor.

This is for chip manufacturers, but we as consumers can vote with our dollars. Chips need lots of flavor.

  • I don’t want Doritos and Cheetos that are barely orange, I want them to be dangerous to touch while wearing white.
  • I don’t want Takis that are barely spicy, I want them to be atomic red with spice.
  • I don’t want Sour Cream n’ Onion Pringles that have a light dusting, gimme a layer of that stanky frosting please.

The only place this rule doesn’t apply is salt, you can have too much salt.

6. Nacho Cheese Doritos® are better outside

Last point on a specific chip brand, but it’s important you know. Nacho Cheese Doritos® (both Flavor-Blasted™️ and non-Flavor-Blasted™️) are better when you eat them outside. They way they interact with the sun and humidity changes the chemical makeup inside the chip itself. If you are eating these indoors you’re doing yourself a disservice.

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